


Just Like Breathing

by petulantgod (prettyclever)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-11
Updated: 2013-07-11
Packaged: 2017-12-19 04:10:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/879311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettyclever/pseuds/petulantgod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was so difficult not to compare and find all else wanting, because Lily made him feel like a man, but when he was with Sirius, he was a god.</p><p>Warnings for implied incest (Sirius/Regulus), ambiguous consent, extramarital sex, men crying, dirty talk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Like Breathing

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Notes: Endless thanks to B1, without whose help, ideas, and unfailing support this would literally not exist, and to B2, who inspired me and kept me on track, and who gave me the perspective I needed to make this so much better than I could've on my own.
> 
> Written in '06 or '07.

'--and the bastard went down like a stone. He never saw it coming.'

Raucous laughter filled the Auror division of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, bringing much-needed cheer to an otherwise gloomy crowd. Since the Dark Lord's campaign began in earnest, there hadn't been much reason for laughter. Every week brought more unnatural deaths, more sightings of the Dark Mark, more horrifying rumours, and more empty cubicles throughout the Ministry.

Kicked back in his chair, Auror-in-training James Potter sipped his coffee in silence, watching the senior Aurors congratulating each other on another Death Eater capture.

'I heard he cried like a little girl when they sentenced him.'

'I wonder what the Dementors will make of that?'

He wondered if the day would come when decent people wouldn't get their amusement from the pain of others. It wasn't that he didn't feel that same triumph every time another war criminal was brought down, but rubbing it in, even amongst themselves, seemed somehow dishonourable.

'Did you hear about the scene last night? I was there. Dark Mark over Beachy Head. Might've passed for suicide otherwise, considering the way the kid's body was broken. Looked like a rag doll, but with considerably more blood.'

Their nervous laughter turned James's stomach.

'The ironic bit was that the kid was one of Them. They're killing enough of their own now maybe we'll be out of a job this time next year.'

'Who was it then?'

'Some poor bastard right out of Hogwarts. One bad decision, and  _splat_! There goes the rest of your life. Couldn't've been more than twenty.'

'Eighteen. Black-comma-Regulus. Can you imagine that? Killin' a bloody  _Black_?'

James choked on his coffee. Eyes wide, he set down the mug and leaned forward in his chair.

'The younger son? Shame, that. Parents must be having a fit. First the one takes off, and then the other goes and hacks off You Know Who. At this rate, there won't be any of 'emleft.'

'Speaking of the one--'

James sucked in his breath and held it, listening with rapt attention. He'd seen neither hide nor hair of Sirius in a couple of weeks now, and when he'd mentioned it to Peter and Remus in hopes that they might know more than he did, they'd gone longer than he. Something in the officer's tone whitened James's knuckles on the arms of his chair.

'They found his magical signature on the body. Makes you wonder about these crazy families and what they get up to...'

'Wouldn't be the first time with Those Families, considering. Lot of perverts, all kinds of secrets. Good riddance, wot? Saves us from doing it if they go about stabbing each other in the back.'

' _Shut up._ ' James rose to his feet unthinking, his chair and coffee mug falling to the floor in the sudden burst of action. 'Sirius Black did  _not_  -- would  _never_  -- kill his brother.' James's voice was low and dangerous, his fingers flexing against his palm as his fists tightened. 'Not if his  _life_  depended on it, no matter that Regulus  _was_  a Death Eater.  _He_  actually believes in trying to  _save_  people rather than forgetting that they're human like the rest of us. Novel concept, that.'

The senior officers stared, startled, some taking nervous steps backward. James ignored it all, his rage focussed on the two who'd just been speaking with such glib amusement about people they didn't even know. They squirmed under his stare, cheeks mottled with red and eyes averted. James was younger than anyone else in their division, but he'd earned respect; he'd proven his mettle in the field time and again, taking the most dangerous cases they'd let him have and succeeding where no one thought he would. People knew better than to question his word.

After a few tense moments of silence, they muttered unconvincing apologies and shuffled off. The remaining knot of murmuring Aurors broke up, going back to their cubicles. James stood there with balled fists, alone with his sudden weariness and a head full of fragmented thoughts. With painful slowness, he knelt to clean his spilt coffee, then wandered towards the break room to get a spot of tea.

For all his efforts, this was what it had come to. He didn't know where or how to find Sirius anymore, and he couldn't imagine how to offer comfort for his loss. Perhaps worst of all, he didn't even know if Sirius would want his comfort after all that had passed between them these past few months.

Putting his chipped, loved-and-loathed hot pink World's Best Husband mug into the sink, James turned on his heel and stalked out. He was aware both of the eyes on him and of the fact he'd another four hours left of his shift, but he couldn't be arsed to care. Pausing at the doorway, he gathered his regulation body armour-style outerwear and thick dragonhidegloves, tugging it all on before he'd so much as step into the hall, and then punched out without even nodding goodbye to his co-workers. Let them think what they would. He couldn't stay here right now.

The lobby was hopping; things were never quiet here these days. Trouble brewed in all quarters, and the MLE's specialist task forces went out like clockwork to handle the million types of situations that Aurors didn't or couldn't. Lily'd be with one of the specialist teams out in the field right now, judging by the clock. She was as headstrong as he was, determined to take all the risks men took and put her beautiful brain to some real use instead of taking a desk job, and she was good at so many things; they never ran out of work for Lily. He wished she was here, though. She'd have known what to do.

Just the thought of her made James's throat tight with love, and he ached to hold her and feel comforted by her beguiling softness and the sweetness of her scent. But as he stood in line to take a Floo home, it was the thought of Sirius's embrace that swept over him instead, the sensory memory enough to sway him on his feet. Sirius's arms were like being wrapped in a favourite blanket, warm and safe, and it had been months now since he'd been there at all, and years since he'd--

James's messy hair fell into his face as he shook his head and smoothed a hand through it to push it away. The memories always came, no matter how long he went without feeding them, no matter how devoted he was to his wife, but it was wrong to indulge the thoughts. He wouldn't do it; Lily'd forgiven what little she'd gathered of the depth of his relationship with Sirius, but he wasn't about to test his luck. What luck he did have, he needed for bigger things.

Impatient and frustrated, he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, angry at the forced inaction of waiting. His thoughts went to other things: strategising, the Seven Signs of possible Death Eater ambushes, the  _modi_ _operandi_  of the Death Eater collective and the way that no two murders were ever exactly alike. Still, when he reached the front of the line, he hesitated with his hand over the pot of Floo powder, tempted to make a jaunt to the pub where Sirius had worked, even though Sirius hadn't shown up to work in weeks now; he just wanted to feel close to him again, to be somewhere that felt like Sirius. He wondered who was the Order contact in the pub now that Sirius had dropped the ball; James had wanted to believe Sirius would stick with it, getting to spy, getting to flirt and talk all evening and do something worthwhile at the same time...

Shaking his head, he sighed and took the powder, tossing it into the fireplace with a heavy heart. 'Potter flat.' Weary and heartsick, he stepped through into the familiarity of home--

a rustle and a thump upstairs, a scraping across the floor

\--and dropped into a defensive crouch, wand in hand and eyes narrowed. He froze on instinct, listening, every sense alert. Hearing nothing more, he crept towards the stairs with his wand at the ready and a dozen hexes on the tip of his tongue, more than grateful for the protective gear he'd put on just to go home.

Silent feet carried him upstairs; he edged around the creaky spot on the sixth step and held his breath as he sneaked past the landing. A noise like rustling fabric coming from the bedroom thrilled and infuriated him. He was ready. He wanted to fight something, to attack all his nebulous fears in a tangible form.

Whipping around the doorframe, he aimed for the source of the sound and shouted, ' _Stupefy!_ '

'Honestly, Jamie,' Sirius said, straightening from his dodge without turning around, 'you'd think that the Ministry's Auror Trainee of the Year would have better stealth ability than  _that_. I heard you coming half the house away.'

'Oh god,' James whispered, rushing forward and wrapping his arms around him without thinking.

Sirius's arms wound around him in return, painfully tight and wonderfully strong. James let himself cling, let himself hold Sirius so tight he could believe they'd never have to let go. Sirius's lips brushed his hair, and Sirius's larger body felt solid and  _real_  against his, inviting him to stay wrapped up in him forever... until James realised that they were in the bedroom --  _Lily's_  and his bedroom -- and he couldn't be doing this anymore. Clearing his throat, he pulled away with as much grace as he could manage.    

'Well, I worried,' he mumbled as he pulled off his glasses.

Staring down at their blurry glint, he tugged a handkerchief from a pocket to wipe them clean. They weren't dirty; he just needed an excuse not to look at Sirius's face right now. He knew what he'd see because it was always the same. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sirius's fist swing up to punch his shoulder, landing a smarting blow though James had tried to dodge.

'Your old lady's made you an old woman!' Sirius laughed --  _at_  James, not with him.  

James bristled and drew up straighter, his shoulders squaring as he pushed his glasses into place. He gave Sirius the same look he used on incompetent superiors, and Sirius stared right back. It hurt to look into his eyes. The past lurked there, fear, guilt, and so much pain. It was all so familiar that, for a moment, they were sixteen again and James was standing in a summer thunderstorm watching Sirius walk up the garden path with nothing but a half-empty rucksack and the clothes on his back.

Sirius had stopped in front of him, standing there with a great swollen bruise across one side of his beautiful face and nothing to say but James's name. Now, as he had then, James reached out to touch Sirius's cheek, his fingertips tracing the crest of a high cheekbone still damp from crying, fingers trailing down to brush the full curves of his rosy lips. As he had then, Sirius turned his mouth into James's hand, luminous eyes spellbinding when they locked on James's.

It was everything James dreamt of and forgot before he woke.   

Pulling away with a start, James forced distance between them, taking a step back, then another. His slender hand swept up to ruffle his hair, and then dropped to his side. It was then that he realised he was still wearing his gloves. Somehow, when he'd touched Sirius, he'd felt everything.

'There's talk,' he blurted, trying to regain control of the situation. 'They're saying your signature was on his body.'

James tugged off cloak and scarf and gloves, putting each away neatly so Lily wouldn't lecture later, noting what would need cleaning, what would need repairing; the ritual kept his eyes off of Sirius and his thoughts where they belonged. When he glanced up, Sirius's gaze was like ice on his skin. As many times as James had seen that look, he couldn't remember ever seeing it turned on him before. His blood went cold, and when Sirius spoke, it went colder.

' _They_  know a quarter pint of fuck all.  _They_  can concern themselves with the living. When did  _you_  become a They?'

'That's not fair, Sirius. I'm just trying to look out for you. I don't want to see you get hurt. You're family.'

'Family,' Sirius echoed.

James flinched at the scorn in his voice, the unspoken accusation hitting him like a sucker punch.

'Look, Sirius, I--'

'Family,' Sirius said again, and then laughed, a raucous bark that meant he was anything but amused. 'Well then,  _brother_ , perhaps you'd be kind enough to join me for an evening of fraternisation?'

Sirius laughed again, as if he'd made some grand joke, and then went back to sifting through James's wardrobe as he'd been doing before James arrived. James stared at Sirius's back in strained incredulity.

'You can't possibly intend to go out tonight.'  

'Oh, I  _do_  intend, and I'm taking you with me. We're absconding. Just you and I,  _brother_.'  

That word again, hurled at James with all the subtlety of a bludger to the face. There was poisoned honey in Sirius's voice, something at once seductive and repulsive. He couldn't be imagining it, but he wasn't about to think about what it meant.    

'Do you really think that's wise?' James asked before he could stop himself, sounding so much like Lily that it startled him. 'I mean, you're grieving, and Lily's expecting me here when she gets--'  

Sirius's harsh guffaw echoed in the little room, bouncing back from walls papered in the little yellow daisies Lily loved. For the first time, James saw the room through Sirius's eyes, saw how Muggle it must seem, how gauche. An acrid fury burned in James's mouth as he bit back the words that sprang to his tongue in pre-emptive defence: Lily made him happier than he'd ever been, and she was a good wife, and they'd a beautiful little flat, and--

'Do it for  _me_ ,' Sirius murmured, and before James could blink, Sirius was on his knees in front of James, his smile a brilliant white in his tanned face and his eyes gleaming in their fringe of long, dark lashes. Nothing like Lily, and everything like muggy summer nights hiding beneath the scratchy flannel sheets of his bed fumbling with buttons and laughing into one another's mouths.    

'I can't.'

Those two syllables took everything from James, left him almost-trembling and so drained that he sank down on the bed and buried his head in his hands. His fingertips rubbed at his temples, willing away the building headache.    

'It'll never be me again, will it? 's all right. You don't have anything to wear anymore anyway.'

Before James could ask what he meant or stop him, Sirius was going, and James was watching him go. Just like before. Just like always.

Words sprang to James's lips, words of protest, of pleading, of promises he knew he couldn't keep. He bit them all back and let his hand drop from where it had reached too late for Sirius's shoulder. Anything he could have said was stifled by where he was and what he was doing. He knew what Sirius wanted from him, but he couldn't give it to him.

It was funny how dreams of the future had seemed so simple at sixteen. The reality at twenty was so stark in its differences that he found himself wondering whether there had ever been such a thing as a dreams coming true.

He sat there staring at the door as if Sirius would reappear at any moment, part of him unable to believe that he would really go. After a while, he stood, walking through the spot where Sirius had knelt. The movement dispelled his aura like it was a lingering, choking cloud.

'Enough of this,' he muttered, and then headed down to the kitchen to start supper.

When Lily walked into the disaster zone half an hour later, she took one look at him, set her case down on the table, and sighed. One arm went around James's waist and the other stretched behind them to charm the kitchen into spotlessness as she led him away to the sitting room. The couch felt like it wasn't even there; James might as well have been floating. Everything was empty.

'What happened?'

James shook his head, unable to articulate what had gone wrong, and why, and how. She bit her tongue and held him, demonstrably unsurprised. Lily wasn't Sirius; he never told her everything, and she didn't expect him to, not after as long as they'd been together.    

After a few quiet moments, she prompted, 'I heard about Regulus.'  

James nodded, his gaze focussed at some invisible point across the room.    

'Are you worried about him?'  

There was no need to clarify who 'him' was. James shrugged. He knew that his face gave him away; though he said little enough, he couldn't hide from her observant gaze. That was how she knew the things she did, why they never spoke about Sirius unless they had to, why she didn't use his name. She'd never said so, but James knew. He wasn't as dense as people liked to think.  

Another few moments brought a tight hug, a long, sweltering kiss that left his lungs aching and his trousers tight, and then, just as he knew Lily intended, James broke.

'He was here when I got home.'  

'Oh.'    

'It was nothing,' James added too quickly. 'He wanted me to come out with him, and I told him I couldn't. He was gone, just like that.'  

 _And he went down on his knees, and he gave me Those Eyes, and god help me, I wanted him._   

Shrewd green eyes studied him, making him feel transparent, naked. Lily's expression was impenetrable. James couldn't read it, no matter how well he knew her.

She beat him at poker nine times of ten. She made him so bloody proud.    

'Why didn't you go?'

James's eyebrows shot up in surprise, his cloudy thoughts interrupted.

'You expected me here, and it was... He shouldn't have gone out tonight. His brother's--'  

'He's not like you, James. You can't judge him by a rigid standard of behaviour.'  

James blinked. Lily gave him a long-suffering smile. She knew him too well.

'Then should I have--'  

'Go find him, James.' Lily sighed, already standing from the couch and going for his cloak. 'He hasn't got anyone but you, has he? I don't have to like it, but I'm not so selfish that I can't spare you for one night.'  

Her clear green eyes were troubled when she tucked his scarf into the folds of the thick cloak, and tiny frown lines formed at the corners of her ripe-peach lips. She was doing more than letting him out of the house for the night, and they both knew it. This wasn't a little thing. This was a Big Deal. James didn't know whether to be relieved or to try to get her to change her mind.     

'Go now,' Lily commanded when she'd bundled him to her satisfaction.

James flushed dark, wondering if she knew what was probably going to happen and suspecting that she did. Nodding, he exhaled and bit his lip, looking at her with his heart in his eyes.

'I love you, Lily,' he murmured as he kissed her good night.

'I know,' she replied, her reassuring hands a gentle pressure sliding across the heavy fabric covering his back. 'I love you too.'

Pulling away, James gave her a long, worried look and stepped out into the late autumn darkness.

The first steps felt like slogging through quicksand, his heels heavy and his instincts screaming at him to claw his way out at all costs even if it meant working himself deeper into the mire. He wanted to turn on his heel and bolt inside to hide in Lily's arms. A self-mocking laugh accompanied him as he slipped into the alleyway between buildings, and he wondered what his co-workers would say knowing hotshot James Potter needed his wife to protect him.

Once this would have been something to savour, but he didn't know how to get inside Sirius anymore, and there was nothing but chill darkness outside his favour. Sirius's soul was like a cavern lit by a single flame, and to survive meant huddling close to that fire and never letting it go out. To get close again, James was going to have to go through the outer darkness, and he had no idea how the fuck to do that. It had been so easy once; Sirius had led him, hand in sweaty hand, skin on skin and mouth to mouth.  

Sighing and tilting his wrist, James slid his wand from his sleeve. He palmed it, fingering the cool, smooth shaft for a moment. It was an extension of him, as effortless a fit as though it was his own flesh. Sirius had felt that way once, too.

Lily wasn't familiar enough to feel like part of him, or he thought it was only that she wasn't familiar enough. He loved her so deeply that he felt like his heart was turned inside out, but she was still another being, her own person, and never truly his. He'd never felt alone like this before. With Sirius, they'd curled up in each other's hearts and shared each other's thoughts as though they'd slipped into the same skin. Maybe he'd craved that closeness enough that he'd pretended until today that it was still there somewhere.

These things were familiar thoughts, and he wished he could be done with them. Tightening his fingers around his wand, he Apparated away.

There was no sign of Sirius at the bar, so he tried their other haunts - the lounge in Hogsmeade where they'd had James's stag party and the little Thai restaurant where Sirius had fallen in love with  _gaeng_ _phet_. He even made the trek across the Hogwarts grounds to the spot at the corner of the Quidditch pitch that had been their haven for so many years.

With every unsuccessful location, James grew more worried, his chest tightening with self-loathing for having misjudged, for having projected his decisions onto Lily and Sirius instead of owning up to them. He'd left one all-consuming bond for another, and there was no way he could satisfy both. He'd tried toeing a line so fine he couldn't even see it, knowing that any way he strayed, he'd lose. Standing in the middle of nowhere gripping his wand so tight that his fingers hurt, he realised just how lost he was.

At a loss for what to do next, he Apparated to the Leaky Cauldron, remembering how when they were younger, Sirius had scoffed at the beer and then proceeded to drink twelve pints before passing out curled up around James's ankle. Memories assaulted him, more real than the room before him, and James shoved his hands into his pockets to ground himself.

'That mate of yours, Black... is he all right?'

The words broke into his reverie just as he was turning to go. He looked around, and it took him a moment to recognise Tom's familiar face.

'I heard about his brother, and I wanted to stop him to say how sorry I was, but he was off before I could--'

James didn't wait to hear more, blurting a hasty apology as he darted out the back. He shifted from one foot to the other, tapping his hand against his leg as he waited for the wall to part onto Diagon Alley. The instant it opened, he surged through, full of dire energy.

The street was bustling and full of life. James stared for a few instants at the kinetic, colourful scene as if looking through it, and then turned without hesitation into the murkiness ofKnockturn Alley. His feet carried him with unfailing steps to the seediest tavern in the darkest corner of Knockturn's underbelly, and before he was even all the way through the door, he heard Sirius's laughter.

Before he was close enough to see Sirius's face, he saw the throng of unsavoury types crowded around him like moths to a flame. It turned his stomach like nothing else could.    

'And then I said to her, "Baby, if you can't dance with that monkey, there's no way you can handle my broomstick!"'    

A roar greeted Sirius's story, and James could see shoulders shifting as hands touched Sirius where he was hidden within the encircling bodies. Just from the sound of his voice, James knew he was drunker than he'd ever seen him. Dread settled over him like a foetid shroud, bringing the bile to his throat.    

'If you fine gentlemen - ha! - will excuse me, I'm going to be-- Mmm, yeah, you like  _that_ , don't you, you cheeky bastard? How about  _this_?'    

An appreciative murmur ran through the gathered men, accompanied by that strange tremor of excitement James had long ago learnt to associate with Sirius's more obscene party tricks. Envy ate at his guts like acid. At the limits of his endurance, James pushed forward into the throng, finding Sirius sprawled like a wanton in a huge bloke's lap, looking dainty for all his well-built height, his leather-trousered legs spread wide hooked around the man's body.

The man stroked Sirius's long, loose hair with a meaty hand; the wavy locks gleamed in the firelight, glossy and black falling around his upturned face and tangling a little in the leather dog collar around his elegant neck. Sirius's kohl-limned eyes were all but closed, swollen and reddened from earlier weeping. His scarlet lipsticked mouth was slack, lips parted, his expression somehow dead.

Another pang of nausea gripped James as he watched the big man crush his cruel mouth against Sirius's. Sirius let that oaf kiss him, and it was like Sirius wasn't there at all. It was just his body there, a doll dressed in fuck-me clothes, and none of these people cared if everything that made Sirius  _Sirius_  had fled away inside him.    

'Sirius,' James said, his voice far too soft, his throat so tight and his lungs so empty he could barely form the word. ' _Sirius..._ '  

There was no way Sirius could have heard him, but one graceful hand rose to push away the face crushing down on his, and Sirius's unfocussed eyes found James's face. A warm smile blossomed over his face, so beautiful it made James want to fall at his feet. He smiled back despite himself, his heart swelling and his arms reaching for him of their own accord.   

'Oh, Jamie, I didn't think you'd come! This is--' Sirius frowned then, the warmth of his smile disappearing as his eyes narrowed as he turned his face to look at the man in whose lap he was perched. 'Woss your name, big fella? I always forget to ask.'    

'Look, I don't  _care_  what his na--' James started.

Then the big wizard was on his feet and moving towards him, twenty-five stone if he was one, and faster than James had expected. Sirius's laugh reached his ears, delighted and confused as to how he'd ended dropped in a heap on the floor. Time dragged as massive hands reached towards James. Horror and protective rage brought a curse to his tongue as the man barrelled on, the whites of his eyes blinding bright—

And then the brute stopped dead, his eyes rolling back in his head as he crumpled to the floor surrounded by bits of broken glass and the better part of a bottle of Firewhisky. Sirius's face glowed as he met James's stunned gaze and let the bottleneck slip from his fingers to smash on the floor. The sound roused the other miscreants from their flabbergasted stupor, and the looks they gave them made it clear that it was time to go.

Seizing Sirius by the hand, he ran for it, dragging Sirius along after him, clomping boots snagging and stumbling over the uneven cobblestones. Sirius didn't seem to notice; he was choking with laughter, his smile empty and his eyes vacant.

'Oh, Jamie,' he slurred as James pulled him against his chest to Apparate, 'you always did know how to throw a party.'

James's stomach twisted with nausea as he saw how dilated Sirius's pupils were, the swollen redness of his mouth, the bruises already purpling on throat and shoulders and chest, and he swallowed hard before Disapparating them the hell out of there.

Sirius stumbled as they appeared in the middle of his flat, and James was just disoriented enough to be caught off-balance; throwing out one arm, he grasped blindly for some piece of furniture, twisting his body as they fell in a tangle of limbs. He was surprised when his back hit something soft and they bounced with a creaking sound before halting.

Turning his head, James realised they were lying on a mattress, its gaudy pattern uncovered but for a thin sheet tangled at one end and a squashed, tatty pillow falling half off the other end. His eyes widened in shock, and he lifted his head, arms tightening around Sirius as he took in their surroundings.

The grate of the fireplace was dark, and James wagered it had been cold for several days now at least; the flat was  _freezing_. There was no furniture save a threadbare armchair with springs poking out its bottom and a rickety table covered with Chinese takeaway boxes and crumpled wrappers he could smell from across the room. A broken lamp stood in the corner, and the moonlight shone eerily through the naked window, illuminating a score of empty bottles scattered across the floor. Appalled, James turned his head to look at Sirius, who smiled drunkenly as he slipped out of James's suddenly-lax embrace and rolled over onto his back, hands behind his head.

'Welcome to Le Château Chez Sirius,' he said in his best upper-crust drawl.

James didn't know what to think. He looked around him in stunned dismay, trying to remember the last time he'd been to visit Sirius at his flat. It must have been six months now, at least. But then, Sirius had kept a beautiful home, full of lovely things inherited from his Uncle Alphard or purchased with his bequest. Now it looked like the home of someone who didn't plan to be around much longer.  

'...what happened to all your things?' James asked, too startled to care about being polite.    

'Oh, I gave a lot of stuff to Remus and Pete. They don't come here, you know. Not since...'  

James knew what Sirius was going to say. Not since Sirius had started trying to save Regulus. Not since Regulus had left Hogwarts and Sirius had become so determined to get him free at all costs. No one knew but James, and Sirius had stopped inviting people 'round, just in case Reg stopped by. Just in case. As far as James knew, he never had.    

As far as James knew.    

He heard again in his ears the sneering sensuality of the word 'brother' the way Sirius had said it earlier, heard again the undertone he'd detected in Sirius's voice so many times when he mentioned Regulus to James.    

'Anyway,' Sirius went on, drunk enough to ignore James's stressed silence, 'Remus and Pete took the stuff once I told them I was just going to get more and better and it'd go to the bins if they didn't want it. You know Remus never can hold down a job, and I just...'

James turned to look at Sirius, hearing something in his voice that sounded so lost it felt like a knife sliding between James's ribs. Sirius lay there in the darkness illuminated only by moonbeams, his arms folded beneath his head for a pillow. His kohled eyes shone eerily, blue light streaming through their pale irises; their incandescent glow disappeared for moments at a time as sooty lashes swept down over them and lingered too long. Even in the dark, his beauty couldn't hide the brokenness beneath it, and James remembered all at once who Sirius  _was_.  

Somehow, somewhere between being boys and becoming men, James had forgotten. Sirius had tried so hard to cling when James had finally won Lily over, and James had just needed  _space_... Sirius had given it to him. Sirius had found birds of his own in record numbers, had rarely come back to the dorm those last few months of seventh year. Before that, he'd slept in James's bed every night though his own was a scant metre distant, and even out late, he'd undress and slide under the blankets to sleep skin-to-skin with James, whispering to him when he woke him by accident that only James could keep away his nightmares.    

What had Sirius done without him?    

Tears stung at James's eyes as he looked around the flat again, and he rose to his feet feeling as disoriented as Sirius looked. He started up a fire in the grate and cast warming charms on everything, then tugged off his gloves and lit the small lamp. It was worse being able to see; the place was a bigger pigsty than he'd imagined.  

'How can you  _live_  like this?' James muttered with a grimace as he stared at the wreck around him. 'Oh, Sirius...'

'It's not like anyone's going to see it but me, Jamie,' Sirius murmured, his voice surprisingly crisp for how drunk he must still be. 'And I? Don't give a rat's arse.' Sirius laughed at that, his shoulders shaking and making the shitty mattress creak. 'Don't look so shocked, baby; you know I've always been utter bollocks at taking care of myself, yeah?'  

James looked around for something to transfigure a proper warm blanket from and, after some disgusted searching, settled on part of the trash lying about. Recycled with expert skill, it was warm enough and soft enough, though made of some fabric he couldn't quite name, and he knelt beside the mattress to tuck it around Sirius. James's forehead creased in worry as he gazed at him, frustration and anger making him curt.  

'Padfoot, we're grownups now. You  _have_  to take care of yourself.'    

Sirius just smiled at him, a beatific little twist of his shimmery slick lips, and James noticed for the first time, with the lamplight and firelight, that Sirius's clothes were mussed and his belt unbuckled. Fury swelled inside him as he realised that maybe he hadn't gotten there soon enough. The thought that Sirius hadn't been working on his first debauchment of the night was almost more than he could stand.    

'Why do you do this?' James asked, pleading, plaintive, his hands gripping Sirius's shoulders and giving them a shake. 'Why do you do this to yourself, Sirius? Can't you see you deserve better than this?'

'Oh, Jamie...' Sirius sighed, sounding so world-weary and ancient James wanted to cover his ears to stop from hearing any more. The smile came back, touching in its innocence and the purity of the love for him that James saw in it. 'There  _isn't_  a better. Not for me.'  

Sirius sat up then, his hands drifting forward to cradle James's face, and he didn't fight him.    

'You're the only reason anything ever mattered. You were the glue.' Sirius laughed, shaking his head a little and blinking fast enough that James knew there were tears behind the swift sweeps of his lashes. 'Without you, I'm just a mess of broken, useless bits.'  

'No, Sirius, no--'  

' _Yes_. I needed you, Jamie, and you were...' Sirius swallowed hard and then dropped his hands, the effort exhausting him. He sighed and flopped back onto the squealing mattress, his forearm going up to hide his eyes from the light. 'There are better things for you. You have a family, now, James, a real one, with Lily. She's your... and you gave her your name, and she's yours now, and you're hers, and I witnessed that. I stood there and I saw it change, and I... And then there was Reg, and I thought--'

James stared at Sirius, helpless to say or do anything that could fix this mess. He was torn, caught between what was fair to him and what was fair to Sirius. If there had been some way to--  

'You're  _still_  my family, Sirius. You'll always be my--'  

' _No!_ ' Sirius shouted, his deep voice booming through the empty flat. 'Don't say it. Don't fucking placate me. You had to choose, and you did, and you chose a fucking lot better than I ever could.' Sirius lifted his forearm to glare at James from its shadow. His eyes glittered behind a sheen of tears. 'It was never your job to fix me, James. I just got spoilt.'  

'That isn't--' James stopped, not certain what he could say that wouldn't be placating. 'I never wanted this.'  

'You don't have to want life. It's there whether you want it or fucking not, because I keep trying to send it packing and it shows up on my doorstep every morning just the same.'    

At a loss, James eased onto the mattress beside Sirius, stretching out alongside him and reaching out one hand to rest over his heart. Sirius flinched away from his touch at first, then unfolded like a night-blooming flower, his long limbs winding around James. ' _My_  Jamie,' he thought he heard Sirius mutter, and then Sirius was holding him so tight that he couldn't breathe, his whole frame trembling against James's as he squeezed him.

Sirius pulled back and looked into James's eyes, and James got lost in them like falling into the sky before dawn. Sirius's mouth opened over his, and he was flying. His head swam; his heart thundered. Everything inside him thrilled to the slow slide of Sirius's tongue past his lips; the tender, possessive strength of Sirius's mouth was everything that had once meant Love to James. That it felt so foreign now made him sob into Sirius's kiss, pushing his face harder into his, offering up his whole being before he remembered that it wasn't his to give.

At that realisation, he whimpered, the barest breath of sound exhaled against Sirius's lips, his fingers flexing against Sirius's arm. Though his grip didn't slacken, James felt him withdraw, pulling back inside his mind and shutting out James. The kiss lingered, but it was as empty now as their friendship had become.    

'Go home,' Sirius murmured without pulling his mouth away.

His voice was gentle, but James could hear the raw anguish buried within the words, the frost creeping into his tone. He watched helplessly as the tiny, flickering flame slipped away from him and the ground gave way beneath his feet, casting him back into the shadows. Shaking his head, he tightened his fingers Sirius's shoulders, lifting his head just enough to look into the storm raging in Sirius's eyes.    

'Wherever you are  _is_  home,' James said, hoping it was enough, that it would mean the things to Sirius that it needed to mean.

So much of what Sirius most needed to hear were things James could never say. Sirius stiffened for a moment, and then, with a soft, choked sound, he was falling apart beneath James's touch, tangling around James and surrendering body and soul as he'd always done, in that way that only Sirius had ever done with James.    

It was so difficult not to compare this, not to measure it against Lily and her iron grip on wisdom, on reality, all the ways she refused to belong to anyone but herself and all the ways he loved her for never being truly his. Reality was fluid with Sirius, something to be changed at whim, something that existed only when their lips parted long enough for them to catch their breath because their sum total of wisdom consisted of little more than remembering that they couldn't breathe one another. Sirius had never been anything or anyone but James's, and for all the ways James loved Lily for belonging to herself, he loved Sirius for belonging to him.

It was so difficult not to compare and find all else wanting, because Lily made him feel like a man, but when he was with Sirius, he was a god.    

Sirius shook as though he was uncertain, as though it was all too much, and James murmured against his mouth, nonsensical, soothing syllables sliding one into another with the same perfect fit as their bodies. Sirius was a child despite the height, the scratch of his stubble against James's shoulder, the strength of the arms wrapped around him tightly enough to steal his breath. He'd left him to this, left him to be his own master and find his own way, but for all Sirius's rebellion and fire, he was a lost little boy. James hated himself for not seeing it sooner.  

The weight of his responsibility descended on him even as he began to undress him, the knowledge that it was up to him to keep this on track, up to him to call halt, to make the right choices, to remember that he was only going into the darkness so that he could lead Sirius out with him.  He couldn't get lost inside him, because there would be no one to find the way out.

It scared him that part of him wanted that.  

Their mouths collided again and again, Sirius's kisses starved and rough; James felt every kiss take another bite of his soul. Sirius would devour him, drain him, take from him everything he could give, and Sirius would give himself body and soul in return, yielding everything he had. Sometimes it was enough. Sometimes it was paradise. Sometimes it had overwhelmed him and made James want someone who didn't need him, had made him pledge himself to someone who would never look at him this way, kiss him this way, exhaust him this way.    

Their mouths crushed together, and it was just as it had been before, just like the beginning, just like the first, startling, life-changing kiss. This never really changed, because Sirius never really changed. A man now, and he was still the same beautiful, broken boy he'd always been.

James's hands hesitated on Sirius's shirt when the buttons were all undone, his arms between their bodies like some kind of shield. He slipped one arm under Sirius's waist to hold him, his free hand sliding over Sirius's flat, hard stomach, fingertips finding ridges of muscle and the little trail of tickly hairs disappearing beneath the half-open waistband of his low-slung trousers. He couldn't decide if this was the right thing to do, or the wrong one.    

He wondered if with Sirius there ever  _was_  a right or wrong. Maybe this was how Sirius saw the world: everything liquid and murky, nothing clear but his own desires. Maybe that was why Sirius could never be anything but just who he was; he couldn't see anything else clearly. All shades read black in the darkness.  

'Touch me,' Sirius growled, nothing like Lily's coy blushes and whispered pleas.

Unwilling passion woke in James, clouding his mind, obscuring his choices, and then the choices were made for him. Sirius's hand caught his and slid it lower, bringing his palm to rest over his thickening length through the thin, buttery leather, and James thought  _I'll do this but I won't do_  that _... I won't. I'll stop, we'll stop. Just a little more... Sirius needs me._     

Sirius's hips rocked forward, pushing hard into James's hand, and James tightened his palm until Sirius moaned. His head fell back to bare the smooth lines of his throat above his collar, and James's mouth was on it before he could stop. Sirius's hand moved to the back of his head, tangling in his hair,  _pulling_ , his nails digging into James's scalp.

'Do this with me,' Sirius rasped as he rutted James's hand and forced James's face against his throat. 'Just this once, James,  _please_...'

James lifted his hand to grab at Sirius's, jerking it away from his head and wrestling with him, and he didn't realise how hard his cock was until it ground against Sirius's. Laughter exploded from Sirius at that, a triumphant howl of delight, and his hand snaked down between their bodies to force open James's trousers.    

'Sirius,  _don't_.'

James brought his hand between them and shoved at Sirius's shoulder, pushing him back, but Sirius's hand was already inside his flies, long fingers curling around his erection and pulling it free. James moaned and hit him in a single breath, and Sirius laughed again.  

'You can forget me, but your prick never will,' Sirius drawled, so drunk that it made James nervous. This was Sirius though, and James could handle him. Even when no one else could, James could always handle Sirius.    

'Knock it off, all right?' James's voice held steady even as Sirius's hand stroked over his cock, even as Sirius began to shift and James knew where his mouth was going. He gripped Sirius's hair in one hand and reached for his arm with the other.

Trying to hold him still was like trying to stop a train.

'You're drunk, and your brother just died, and we're not doing this.'    

'You didn't mention  _your wife_  in that.'

Sirius paused then, smirking at James. His eyes were drowsy and unfocussed, unnaturally bright, and his bicep relaxed under James's hand though his head was still pulled back at a painful angle. James let go of him and stared, still trying to form some explanation when Sirius went on.

'We're not doing this because  _your wife_  wouldn't like it.'

The scorn in Sirius's voice, his easy disdain for what James had wanted his whole life, made anger swell in his stomach, and his eyes flashed fury for a moment before he tamped it down.

'She isn't here. Leave her out of this.'

Sirius's eyes narrowed and his hand tightened on James's cock enough to make him wince.

'Neither is my brother.'

The meanings buried in his words tore at James's heart. He reached up, brushing Sirius's hair back from his face, following him as he jerked his head away in anger.

'Yes, he is.'

'You don't know what you're talking about,' Sirius scoffed, but James could see he looked shaken.

'I know the ghosts between us.' James curled his fingers in Sirius's thick fall of hair, watching as glitter scattered from the messy locks to fall across the mattress. 'Lily,' James whispered, sifting through Sirius's hair. 'Regulus.'

Sirius flinched as James said his brother's name and let out a soft snarl, burying his face against James's throat and biting the underside of his jaw where it peeked out from above his scarf.

'Everyone whose body you stacked between us like bricks in a wall,' James hissed, afraid of what might happen if Sirius didn't stop but wanting nothing more than for him to bite him harder.

When Sirius lifted his head, his eyes glinted like a cornered animal's and his breath was rank with Firewhisky.

'You chose. You chose the right life for you, the better life, because you  _could_. And now you're here slumming it while your ickle wifey waits for you at home? Cut the crap, James. Go home. You can't help me anymore.'

James met Sirius's hard gaze with as much calmness as he could muster, his stomach roiling. Sirius looked half-mad, his swollen mouth twisted into a grimace of a smile. He actually believed James was here out of some misdirected sense of pity.

'You're not getting rid of me that easy.'

Sirius stared at him for a long moment, looking into James's eyes with frightening intensity as he began to move his hand again.

'D'you wanna stay the night with me?'

James hesitated, still trying to think of some way to get out of this, some way to not fail Lily. Sirius must have seen it, because the darkness was back, looking out at James from those sultry eyes. He pushed James back onto the bed and straddled his legs, his head lowering and his mouth opening around James's prick, sucking him deep with one smooth motion that destroyed James's will to deny him.

Whimpering, he reached for Sirius's hair, tucking the wild mass behind his ears and gathering it in numb fingers just so he could watch. Crimson smears of lipstick ran the length of his hard-on, visible evidence of where Sirius's mouth had been. His tongue swirled around the tip, penetrated his slit, and a racking shudder tore moans from James's lips one after another. His hips thrust upward, and Sirius lowered his mouth again, taking it all, everything James could give, like it would never be enough.

Gripping Sirius's head by his hair, he snapped his hips up faster and harder until he was fucking his mouth, his mind empty of all except the driving desire to force his way into that throat and spill down it. When James came, Sirius groaned and sucked him harder, writhing like a slut and licking him dry. His hands clamped around James's hips, holding him still as he mouthed his too-sensitive, softening prick, not stopping until James yanked his head away in desperation. Sirius looked up, bereft, his breath coming in shattered gasps.

'But I  _need_  you,' he said, his teeth raking his bottom lip again and again in his agitation. 'Jamie,  _please_...'

Guilt swamped James as he realised what he'd just done. He mouthed silent, idiotic words at Sirius, trying to apologise, trying to explain. Whatever he said, it was what Sirius wanted to hear, or it was just that he was trying, and the next thing he knew, Sirius was tearing off their clothes.

There was no reason to it, no method, and James's skin felt hot and cold by turns, burnt where Sirius touched it and goosebumped and chilly where he didn't. His spent cock lay against his belly, its traitor's work done, and he felt so ashamed of it, of himself, that he slid his hand between their bodies to cover it. Sirius noticed after a moment and took his hand away, twining their fingers like he'd always done, in that way that people only did when they were lovers.

James blushed.

'Let me fuck you,' Sirius said, and he was there, and beautiful, and naked in the soft, ambient light. His cock rose from a thatch of black curls, thick and gleaming with precome. Some part of James wanted it, and he would have liked to have blamed that on his prick, but right now that was so obviously a lie that it scared him. This was him, and only him, and it didn't have much to do with fucking at all.

'No,' he said, and until the word was out of his mouth, he hadn't known it wouldn't be yes.

'Let me fuck you,' Sirius repeated, his hand tightening on James's to the point of pain. He sprawled out on top of him, his weight bearing James down into the groaning mattress, and the heat of his erection was all James could think about. 'Let me be inside you, James, just once. Just pretend you're mine, just tonight, James,  _please_.'

'I-' James began, and the words died in his throat. Tears rose to his eyes unbidden, and he swallowed hard and wrapped his arms around Sirius's naked back. 'I love you more than you'll ever know.'

It wasn't yes, but Sirius shifted back and parted his thighs anyway, his hands forcing James's arse up and his legs apart until they flanked Sirius's. James tried to think of the right thing to say, some way to stop this, something that wouldn't ruin this or hurt Sirius or—

'Watch,' Sirius said, and James looked down automatically just in time to see Sirius's fingers curl around his cock and drag it over James's skin. 'Tell me you want it. Tell me you want me inside you. Tell me you've always wanted it.'

'No,' James said, clinging to that word as though to his sanity. They were in a place now where reason didn't exist. This was Sirius's reality, fluid and impossible to make sense of. 'You're drunk, Padfoot. You're drunk, and you miss your brother, and this is--'

James gasped in sudden pain as Sirius's finger pressed inside him, rough and punishing. He blinked hard, his eyes watering, and met Sirius's steely gaze.

'Tell me no again.'

'No.'

Sirius's finger moved inside him, curving and seeking, and then it rubbed back and forth against something inside him that made James's eyes cross. He inhaled sharply, fighting with himself not to push into that amazing pressure, not to encourage this because they  _shouldn't_  do this, and—

'Say it again,' Sirius purred, his mouth suddenly at James ear, his tongue tracing around its shell. His finger just kept moving, and the burn of it turned to a warmth spreading through him and making him giddy. 'Tell me you don't want me to fuck you, Jamie. Say no.'

'No,' James gasped, losing his struggle and writhing, jerking his hips against Sirius's hand with a shamelessness that terrified him.

Sirius's teeth sank into his earlobe, tugging and hurting and perfect, and James shifted restless and needy beneath him, wanting things he couldn't understand or explain. It was like old times though, and Sirius could read his mind. His hands were everywhere James needed them, his mouth doing everything James wished it wouldn't.

'You don't want me to fuck you?' Sirius whispered, his breath hot and damp on James's ear, gusting against his neck.

'No.'

Another of Sirius's fingers pushed into him, and James whimpered, on the verge of tears again and so angry with himself for moving into the sharp, painful pressure that he couldn't think straight.

''m going to though. 'm going to work you open and stretch you out around my prick. 'm going to have you, and you're going to give yourself to me, Jamie, because I've been yours since the beginning. You owe me.'

'No,' James mumbled, but it was so weak now it was barely audible, and the tears did fall, coursing down his face and smudging on his glasses. 'Sirius, I never... I  _tried_.'

'You gave yourself to  _her_.' Sirius's voice was so thick with jealousy that James thought he'd choke on it. 'I was  _yours_ , and you just...'

'No.' A horrible sense of delayed realisation came over him, and he curled his fingers in Sirius's hair to pull his head back and look into his eyes. 'Sirius, it's not...'

'It  _is_!' Sirius spat, the angry bitterness emanating from him in waves. His fingers drove into James harder, merciless and wonderful. 'I was yours, and I would have given you anything, _everything_ , my soul, my body, the world, anything I could give you, it was yours, and I loved you so—'

Sirius's voice caught, and he sobbed, his eyes overflowing with the tears he'd been keeping back all night. He went still, collapsing on top of James and falling apart, his shoulders shuddering and his breathing erratic. James held him in his arms, helpless and useless, and then wrapped his legs around him as well when Sirius drew his fingers out of him. It made James feel empty, and he almost asked him to put them back.

Then Sirius lifted his head and looked into James's eyes, his hand coming up to pull away James's glasses so that nothing separated them at all. Salty tears dripped down Sirius's cheeks and spattered on James's face, and he licked them away with a weird little thrill. Sirius saw, and a wistful smile turned up the corners of his mouth. He looked so much more like himself that it sent relief crashing over James.

'All I ever wanted, my entire life, all I wanted... was just to be with you forever. You were everything, and no one else could matter. I've tried to make it work with anyone else, but there's never going to be another you.'

'There was never another you either, you know,' James muttered, vaguely resentful of the guilt he felt and overwhelmed with the need to make this right, to fix it, and to fix Sirius. 'I never wanted you to go away.'

'No,' Sirius agreed, his body starting to move again in slow undulations that made James's skin flare with feeling. 'You wanted us both.'

Put like that, James couldn't help but think that he had to be the greediest man alive. His face crumpled, and he swallowed down his culpability, owning it, letting it change him.

'Do you blame me?'

Sirius shook his head and smiled wider, a painful thing full of blinding radiance and no warmth at all. 'How could I? I've seen her, James. I've seen me. I've got nothing on the little wife.'

'It isn't—'

'Shut up,' Sirius interrupted, his eyes narrowing with irritation. 'I don't need to hear about her. I  _know_  about her. All I want,  _all_  I want, is to have something of you that she doesn't. Something to keep, something just for me. Everything I am belongs to you, James, and no matter what I've done, or who's had me, that never changed. I was, am, and will be only ever yours.'

James couldn't speak. Nothing he could say could do justice to what he felt, what he thought... It was suspended animation. Nothing was real.

Sirius's hands moved insistently over his body, his weight shifting, their bodies moving, and then James was on his stomach and Sirius slid a folded over pillow beneath his hips.

'Sirius,  _no_.'

But he couldn't control him now. James was lost in the dark, turned around and dizzy inside Sirius's little world. Reality was obliterated; logic was tenuous and weak. In Sirius's world, the laws of physics and morality gave precedence to the laws of passion, and James could fight it, but he couldn't change it.

'I'm going to fuck your little hole, like you fuck Lily's,' Sirius said feverishly, his fingers sliding back into James, this time coated in something slick and warm and comforting. ''m going to take you in ways she never could, and when you fuck her, you'll never forget the things I can make you feel that she can't.'

Sirius's fingers stroked inside him, teasing, cruel, and James fought as long as he could against the urge to push, to clench, but then he couldn't remember why he was fighting. His prick hardened against the pillow, and he rutted against its friction, then back into Sirius's fingers. The dizziness blurred everything. There was nothing but this. There never had been. It was him and Sirius, and it always had been.

' _Mine_ ,' Sirius breathed, and James nodded, drawing his arms in to fold his forearms under his face. Sirius's hands compressed the mattress to either side of James's head, his chest brushing James's back, and the hungry emptiness inside him throbbed. He  _wanted_ , and that he did meant things he couldn't look at too closely. He couldn't admit them. He couldn't do this.

'No,' James said to himself, and then Sirius's mouth was on his, James's sideways-turned face tilting up at a painful angle to let Sirius fuck his mouth with his tongue. James shook his head and kissed back, his arse pushing back towards the heat of Sirius's cock, and when he felt it slide between his cheeks, he groaned and arched, rubbing against it so it slid back and forth along his cleft, trapped between their bodies.

Sirius's weight pinned him, and his hand lifted from the bed to slide between them and wrap around his cock. The blunt press of the head against his opening made James tense, and panic lanced through him, sobering him.

' _No_ ,' he blurted, wriggling under Sirius's weight. 'Sirius—'

'You going to beg me not to?' Sirius asked, his weight lifting and giving James the chance to move away.

He didn't.

Sirius's lips brushed his nape, his hand guiding his prick in little circles against his hole, pushing against the ring of muscle until James pushed back.

'No,' James breathed, flexing and pressing back, pushing, feeling so dirty he couldn't help but blush all over and close his eyes. He buried his face in his arms, just saying 'no' over and over as he rocked back against Sirius.

'Relax,' Sirius whispered, and his lips trailed along James's spine, his skin tingling in their wake. 'Relax, Jamie. I love you. I love you so much. It's going to be so perfect. I'll make it so perfect, Jamie...'

'No,' James said, but he took a deep breath and let it out slowly, his body going lax, and then Sirius was filling him, easing inside him a centimetre at a time. James's moan made his throat hoarse, and his back curved sharply as he folded in on himself, his cock jerking against the pillow. 'Oh, god,  _Sirius_...'

'Say my name,' Sirius gasped exultantly, pushing deeper in one long, smooth thrust that made James's eyes roll back in his head and his shoulders slump as all the fight went out of him. 'Tell me you don't want me. Say "I don't want you, Sirius".'

'Don't want you,' James lied, pushing back harder, wondering why they'd never done this before, remembering that he was married, feeling his ring on his finger weighing his hand down like ten thousand kilos. 'Fucking hate you,' James said, feeling the opposite at the burn, the stretch, the friction, and knowing nothing but heat and want and love so enormous it was like flying, like being a hundred metres up and hurtling through the air staring at the horizon, knowing that it curved  _somewhere_  but seeing only distance; it went on forever, shapeless and too vast for mortal eyes. 'Hate you so much.'

Sirius laughed, the vibrations of it tearing another moan from James. He leaned down and pressed his lips against James's shoulderblade. He was smiling.

'I hate you too.'

'Yes,' James agreed, writhing between the bed and the maddening sensation of Sirius's prick sliding into him so gradually it was barely moving. Overwhelming. More than he could bear. The world was nothing but the sharp, embarrassing instinct to push, to open, to let him in. 'Yes, hate. Hate. God, so much... Ohhh...'

'Tell me to fuck you,' Sirius murmured against his skin, his body still curved over James's, his cock still easing in bit by bit borne down by nothing more than Sirius's weight.

'No. No. No. Don't want it. Don't...'

'You don't want this?' Sirius asked, pulling back and away and out, and James groaned in protest, half-sobbing.

'Please...'

'Tell me to fuck you.'

'No,' James whispered. 'I  _can't_. We can't do this.'

Sirius dragged the head of his cock along James's cleft, teasing him, pressing against his stretched opening just enough to make James push back, then sliding it lower to drag against his bollocks.

' _I_  can do this  _all night_ ,' Sirius purred, sounding so smug James wanted to turn around and punch him.

Shame flooded through him, and he rolled over onto his back to look up at him. He'd meant to say something, to pick a fight, to take back his control of the situation, but looking at Sirius kneeling there with his prick in his hand... Sirius with his wild dark hair falling around his flushed, gorgeous face like something out of a dream... Sirius painted up like a whore in lipstick and kohl, golden with glitter and bruised from mouths not his own...

'I can't share you,' he blurted instead, horrified the moment he heard the words.

'You don't have to,' Sirius replied, falling on him like a million sunbeams and wrapping him in warmth and sweetness and light. Sirius's mouth was on his before he could think, and then his tongue was in his mouth and he couldn't speak, and then James's legs spread wide around his waist, hooking around his arse and pulling him close. He  _ached_  for him like he'd never ached for anything else in his life.

'Say you're mine,' Sirius breathed against his mouth, and James arched into him, rubbing his arse against his prick and trying to remember what talking was. 'Say it, James, and I'm yours. Say you're mine.'

''m yours,' James mumbled, lost and desperate and meaning it like he'd never meant anything before. 'Yours, Sirius, yours, fucking  _yours_...'

His hands scrabbled at Sirius's back, nails scoring his skin, and Sirius growled against his lips and drove his tongue into his mouth, his arms sliding under James's shoulders and hugging him against him. Their bodies shifted together in needy jerks, their hips seeking the perfect fit, the head of Sirius's cock slipping and catching until James had it where he wanted it. He clasped Sirius against him, kissing him breathless, and canted his hips until he felt him pushing inside again, then let out a ragged, blissful sigh.

'Fuck me.'

Sirius shuddered and snarled, coming to life, his body a sudden blur of sound and fury as he manhandled James and drove into him. James grunted as the air was knocked from his lungs, then hissed a 'yes' and moved into the burn. The taut, flexing muscles of Sirius's stomach rubbed against his cock, pushing it down against his belly, and James lifted his hips and braced his shoulders to frot against Sirius as he fucked him, the sounds coming from his mouth ones he'd never known he could make.

'Oh,' Sirius said, his arms trembling. 'Oh.'

'Yeah,' James said, smiling and turning up his face to be kissed the moment Sirius caught his breath. Sirius did, sucking at his lips and tongue with more passion than finesse, claiming him, consuming him. James felt everything he was ebbing away more with each passing moment, and he didn't care.  _This_  was who he was, this wild, thoughtless creature curled around Sirius. It was the only real thing he'd ever known. Compared with this, life itself was colourless and empty.

James flipped them over, rolling on top of Sirius, straddling him and kissing him as he pushed down onto his length over and over, hissing as it slid out and then moaning in relief as it filled him again. It became the tide inside him, his whole self tied into the glide and stretch of Sirius's thick, hard cock taking him. He took back, fucked back, rode Sirius with ferocity to match his.

'Say you're mine.'

'Yours, James. Always yours.'

'Who fucked you tonight?'

'I don't know, Jamie,' Sirius whispered miserably, his hips straining upward as James pulled off him and held just his head within him, taunting him with it, making him fight for it. 'I didn't ask his name. I only wanted you, I swear.'

James bit his lip, then leaned down and bit Sirius's nipples one after the other, tugging them with his teeth and lashing them with his tongue as he slowly lowered back onto his cock.

'You're such a fucking whore,' he sighed, hurt and wanting Sirius to hurt so they could hurt together, so they could feel the same thing.

'I'm yours,' Sirius answered, his hands wrapping around James's slim waist and pulling him down faster as Sirius's hips rolled up to drive him deeper. 'Yours, James. No one else's, ever.'

'Whore,' James repeated, thinking of Regulus, wondering if he'd let Sirius do this to him. The thought disgusted him, but it made his cock twitch, made him fuck him harder.

'Yours. Only yours, from the day we met,' Sirius promised, his eyes wide and glistening, his beautiful mouth kissable and pliant and perfect. 'Yours until I die, James. Forever. God, I love you so much. I need you so much, and I'm sorry, I'm sorry I need you this way, I can't help it, I swear...'

James shivered and braced his hands against Sirius's chest, closed his eyes, and then let out a slow breath and took all of him, his full length, the stretch almost excruciating and making him grunt in pain and bite his lip. Sirius gasped and ground upwards, his balls crushing against James's arse, his hair tickling faintly and sensitising his skin. James opened his eyes and looked down as Sirius wrapped his hand around James's erection and started to pull.

'Don't be sorry,' he sighed, moving into Sirius's strokes. 'It's my fault too.'

'Say you love me.' Sirius gripped his prick tighter, jerking him in time with long, grinding upward thrusts that lifted James from the bed. 'Say you're mine, James, tell me...'

'I love you,' James panted, so close to coming again that he could barely see straight. 'I'm yours.'

'Tell me to fuck your hole.' Sirius wound their fingers together again, drawing James's hand to his mouth to suck his fingers. His tongue swirled around them, his lips sliding over them until James's breaths faltered. 'Tell me you want me to fuck your tight'  _thrust_  'perfect'  _thrust_  'gorgeous little hole. Tell me.'

James whimpered even as he struggled to regain control of the situation, fighting with Sirius for dominance and pulling away from his hands and his cock. He wasn't this. He wasn't doing this.

Sirius's lips caught his wedding band, and James watched in lightning-struck shock as Sirius's teeth pulled, scraping red lines and white down the length of his finger, drawing off his ring. Sirius smiled, his mouth coy and his eyes unreadable, and between his grinning teeth was a gold band. Sirius stuck his tongue out at James through it, an obscene little bud of rolled-up pink tongue.

James reached out to take it, tugging it from Sirius's teeth with a frown and feeling naked in a way he hadn't until now. His entire life outside this room was a tiny scrap of metal in his palm. It meant the world, but it couldn't compare with the need he saw in every line of Sirius's face, with the squalor around them making it so obvious where he belonged and who couldn't live without him.

Sirius studied his face as James thought; the weight of the ring was nothing to the weight of his eyes: expectant, pleading, reminding him of promises he'd meant with all his heart.

What could he do when one promise outweighed another? He'd promised Sirius an always when they were eleven, not knowing what it could mean, not dreaming it could be this. He hadn't even known Lily existed, and if he had, he hadn't yet cared.

Naked here in Sirius's dilapidated bed, doing things with him,  _to_  him, that—

James closed his eyes as another shame-filled blush rolled over him, almost strong enough to collapse him against Sirius. His hands tightened into fists, and he stayed still, waiting for it to pass, just breathing. In, out.  _This is you, James. This is your life._

When he opened his eyes and met Sirius's feral gaze, he wondered,  _What if it was my heart that chose Sirius? What if it was my prick that chose Lily?_

This wasn't him, but it was.

He didn't do this, but he was doing it.

When James began to move again, he didn't intend to; it just happened. One moment he was trying so hard to think, to be wise, and the next...

He moved without pulling off or away, needing to cling to this intimacy. His hips circled down against the piercing fullness, body screaming protest deep inside while the grasping outer ring of his muscles begged for more, more friction, more sensation, more of Sirius. It felt like being part of him, like rediscovering the most precious thing he'd ever known.

'I don't think I work without you,' James muttered, his cheeks flushing at the same moment as Sirius's went ruddy. There was no loneliness here, no sense of Other; they were one thing, one man, two hearts and minds more preoccupied with the other than even such self-absorbed creatures could ever have been with themselves. Fused together, there could be no ghosts between them. It was safe, and theirs, and  _home_. 'I don't think I...'

Sirius leant up them and grabbed James's face, hauling it down to his own to drive his tongue up into his mouth. A frisson of some exquisite emotion went through James, and then it wasn't sex at all; it was like breathing with his soul, gulping down breaths and remembering how to be alive. Sirius was inside him, but it was really that James was inside Sirius, warm and loved and close in the centre of the shadows, back where he should have been all along, and if James was the glue, then Sirius was the impulsion and the force.

'I need you to need me too,' Sirius growled against his mouth, his hands so rough in James's hair that it tore tears from the corners of his eyes. 'I need you to not be able to leave me again. I can't live when you-- I can't.'

This was light, and they'd been stumbling so long in the dark. The pores of his skin tingled with the brush of it, electric and vital, waking him from the endless sleep of everyday life, of doing what was expected of him, of growing up and moving on and leaving behind all his favourite parts of himself. Their bodies slammed together violently, but inside him, there was peace, and looking into Sirius, he saw it echoed there. Peace, where there was only turmoil without him.

'I should never've.' James fucked himself harder on Sirius's prick, every part of him that couldn't accept what he was doing so far away it had no voice. 'I should've been with you.'

'You should be fucking sorry.' Sirius's voice was a susurrant hiss between his teeth as James's mouth caught his ear and bit down. 'You should tell me how fucking sorry you are.'

'I'm sorry.' James licked the shell of Sirius's ear, his words kisses made of syllables. 'I broke my promises. I never meant to.'

A long sigh went through Sirius, and he relaxed under James's weight. James felt the shifting tendons against his lips on Sirius's jaw and knew that he was smiling.

'And you love me?'

'I hate that you could even wonder,' James breathed, slowing the movement of his hips to a steady, deliberate rocking.

He lifted his head to look into Sirius's eyes. They were heavy-lidded, their silver glimmer almost lost behind dark lashes, and James's chest tightened at how breathtaking he really was. It seemed wrong that he could get used to that face, wrong that he'd forgotten so many times the kind of untamed beauty that had been his to possess all along.

James stroked a fingertip along Sirius's jaw and then kissed his lips, touching him with restless wonder as he began to understand what it was that they had here. His legs slid against Sirius's, impatient and greedy for contact. Sirius responded by rolling them over, pinning James beneath him with his legs folded in against his chest, and it  _hurt_ , but it felt so good that James's cock rubbed slick lines of precome across his belly where it was crushed against his body. Every thrust drove the head of Sirius's prick against the spot inside him that he'd been fingering before, that place that made his knees go weak, and it was over and over and again and again until James's chest ached with his gasping and the words spilled from his tongue like some erotic incantation.

'Please,' he begged, arching and writhing, pinned and desperate. His hands came up to fist in Sirius's hair, pulling cruelly, and his heels dug into Sirius's arse, his thighs tight around his waist, guiding and urging. 'I need you, Sirius. 've always needed you. 'm not me without you... I'm only myself when I have you to remind me of who that is.'

'Yes,' Sirius grunted, the muscles in his arms cording with effort as he braced his hands at either side of James's head and thrust harder. 'Because you're  _mine_ , because we're the same, James, and it was only ever you and only ever me...'

'Only ever us, Sirius.' James's spine arced, his muscles clenching and his legs squeezing Sirius's waist as his hips shifted to meet his thrusts. 'Never leave you again, I swear. Can't lose this... I need it too much.'

'You need me,' Sirius mumbled, his eyes open wide, sober now, his expression painfully earnest.

James nodded, head twisting against the cheap mattress. He strained forward into James, driving so deep that James thought he'd die of it.

Then Sirius's strangled voice hissed through clenched teeth, 'Say it.'

James cupped Sirius's face in his hands, meeting that wounded gaze and trying to project everything he felt for him, all the truth of his heart, into his eyes for him to see.

' _I need you._ '

Sirius's teeth sank into his bottom lip and he shuddered, his hips jerking and grinding forward into James's arse, struggling to have more when there was no more to be had. James gripped him with his body, holding him with arms and legs and the rhythmic clenching of his arse, and he strained up, trying to match Sirius's intensity, trying to mirror back to him everything Sirius gave, trying to for once have enough, be enough. Though his prick ached where it was trapped between their bodies, he didn't care; all he wanted was to bring Sirius off, to get this right, to make it up to him for all the ways he'd failed him without knowing.

An eerie, keening moan almost like a howl reverberated through James's body as Sirius buried his face against his throat. He wondered for a moment if this was it, if Sirius was coming inside him; it seemed unreal that it should be so simple when the moment had been a lifetime in the making. Sirius whispered his name over and over, broken little sounds that meant the world, and James felt the spill of heat radiate through him from inside out until he was glowing, floating, flying, and Sirius was the centre of the universe and all that could ever matter.

James cradled him to him, holding him safe in the bounds of his flesh, keeping him protected from everything that could ever hurt him. It was what he should have been doing all along. He couldn't imagine now why he hadn't.

'Mmph,' Sirius grunted, pulling out bit by bit, and James drew in a sharp breath at the slow-swelling emptiness. Sirius collapsed on top of him, sweaty and limp and so beloved that James couldn't help but smile and kiss his hair. His abused muscles ached and throbbed, a fast-pounding pulse that kept time with his cock, and as profane as it was, he wanted it to last, wanted a sense of permanent emptiness to remind him where Sirius fit.

'Jamie?'

'Mm?' James turned his face to the side to find Sirius's close against his, so close in that it was all a blur, and James kissed him everywhere he could reach, still smiling his slow, contented smile.

'You didn't come.' Sirius sounded stricken, as though he'd done something awful, and James smiled wider and rolled them over and over until they landed on the floor with an  _oomph_. Empty bottles skittered away as James wrestled with Sirius, struggling in play and nipping at him, biting his throat above that collar, his nipples, and his fingers when they closed over James's wrist to catch him still. It was all a game until James's mouth captured Sirius's fingers, and then the air flashed and sizzled, a sudden electric change of pace, and Sirius's fingers began to fuck into his mouth.

James whimpered and stilled, straddling Sirius on the cold, hard wooden floor, his swollen prick swaying with his movements as he shifted and rested one palm over either side of Sirius's chest for balance. His eyes drifted half-shut, and he smiled while Sirius's fingers toyed with his lips, pulling out, sliding in, tracing the curves of his mouth... He wanted him so much that it was perfect, so much that it didn't matter what Sirius did or didn't do because it was all Sirius, and that was all James needed to be happy.

Eyes closed, mouth open, James knelt there with Sirius's come inside him, feeling it slippery on his thighs and in the cleft of his arse, marking him, making real what they'd just done. He knelt there and let Sirius fingerfuck his mouth and moaned while he did it, his flushed cock seeping precome and so hard now that he could think of nothing else, so hard that his skin felt thin and tight and just the brush of air over him was excruciating pleasure.

'Open your eyes,' Sirius said, and James obeyed, looking down to see Sirius holding his ring. As James watched in a confused daze, Sirius pulled his fingers from James's mouth and slipped the ring onto James's wedding finger.

'You promised forever,' Sirius said, and James felt a startled thrill go through him.

Then Sirius's fingers were back in his mouth, and Sirius's eyes were on his, and this was them. This was  _him_ , and  _this_  was what he did.

'I love you, Jamie,' Sirius murmured, and the look in his eyes was pure worship, like nothing else James had ever seen, like nothing he'd ever imagined. 'I'm yours, your heart, your soul, your body, all of me. I...'

Sirius's chest swelled with a deep inhalation, his body shifting James's. His fingers went still on James's tongue, and James sucked at them hungrily, his tongue working around them, his obscene suckling noises counterpoint to the crackling of the logs in the hearth. He cradled Sirius's cheek with one hand, his face tilting to one side as he fucked his own mouth on Sirius's fingers, eyes fixed on him with rapt attention.

Sirius smiled a wicked smile and turned his head, capturing James's fingers in his mouth. His lips slid down until they wrapped around the base of his ring finger, his tongue twisting around and warming the cool metal. His ring felt strange there, unnatural and heavy after having been off, foreign and strange considering what he was doing right now. That bit of metal was what made him Lily's, but he didn't need anything to belong to Sirius.  

As he watched, Sirius's gaze flicked back up to his face, so knowing that James felt transparent and so open that he could see straight through into Sirius's heart. The glimmer of mischief registered just before strong fingers wrapped around his prick and his hips jerked forward. He responded more to Sirius's need than to his own, drawn in by the look in his eyes and the expression on his face, drawn in by the sheer possessive force of the way he touched him.

His hand slipped from Sirius's mouth, and the ring didn't go with it. The sudden weightlessness of his hand turned shuddering tension into utter release, guilty pleasure surging through him that made him feel filthy and wrong. His teeth clamped shut on Sirius's fingers as he came, gasping, sucking at them in desperation and fucking Sirius's hand so hard his muscles ached, fighting to give every last bit of himself.

He slumped forward in slow motion, the world shrinking to nothing but the warmth of their bodies, the radiant heat of the fire, the coolness of the draughty flat breathing across his back. Their skin was sticky with mingled sweat and come, and he wanted to think it was disgusting, that this was dirty, and it was, but he loved it just this way.

He let Sirius's fingers slip from his mouth, wincing as he saw the marks: a jagged bite imprinted on Sirius's skin. Before he could apologise, Sirius smiled and lifted James's hand, showing him the matching circle of red around his ring finger, left when Sirius took his ring again.

 _A ring of our own_ , he thought,  _made out of pain._

The shock, the  _rightness_  of it, made James's throat tight, and he clamped his thighs against Sirius's hips as he wrapped around him and squeezed. Sirius clung back, silent and determined. When James lifted his head at last, Sirius's eyes glowed in the dim firelight, so full of feeling that James's thoughts stilled and his unspoken words died on his tongue. When his mouth opened again, it was without thought or intent, just the truth, just his heart poured out.

'Isn't it funny how your life can change forever and still feel so ordinary?' 

Sirius's expression didn't change, but something puppyish came into it, a deep happiness that seemed to come from nothing but what he was looking at. James wondered how he'd ever thought he was content when that face had vanished from his life.

He reached up to brush a stray lock of hair from Sirius's forehead, fingertips lingering to trace that high crest of cheekbone again.

'Kind of like... how I'd fallen in love with you,' James went on, his stomach twisting in an anxious knot, 'and I didn't even notice. It felt--' 

'--just like breathing?' Sirius finished for him, that knowing look back in his eyes, his thoughts James's and James's his.  

'Yeah,' James said, his smile almost shy as he pulled away only to collapse onto the mattress.

Sirius joined him, curling close around him as though to protect him. James's eyelids lowered as he shifted against Sirius to press their skin together everywhere he could, resting his cheek against Sirius's broad shoulder. Sirius turned his head, resting the tip of his nose against James's, and James would have laughed at the childishness of the gesture were it not for the resolute look in Sirius's eyes.

'Everything changes, Jamie,' he rumbled, breaths curling warm and humid against James's mouth. 'Nothing stands still, no matter how hard you try to make it. This isn't going to stand still either.' 

'I don't want it to,' James replied, realising the truth behind his words as he spoke.

This time when they kissed, it was gentle, liquid, tongues twining together. The softness of their lips and the smooth hardness of Sirius's arms around him offset the scratch of Sirius's stubble against James's, and it was familiar, and safe, and  _right_. James knew now that he could never live without this. 

The feel of bruising fingers on his arse made him yelp, and he bit Sirius's tongue before he managed to pull back, looking down into that boyish, mischievous face and scowling.

'That's it, mister,' he threatened, and rolled over on top of him, grappling with him and thrilling at Sirius's raucous, delighted laughter.

For a moment they were twelve again, closer-than-brothers wrestling in a curtained bed, and then Sirius was on top of him, pinning him down with his greater weight and grinning at him like he wanted to eat James alive. That meant something so different now than it had then that it threw James out of the memory. He bit his lip, meeting Sirius's gaze and feeling again the doubt that had plagued him before they'd somehow fallen into bed together. 

'Sirius, what happened to Regulus?' 

The grin dropped from Sirius's face.  'He had to leave.'

Sirius slumped, his weight suffocating and lifeless for a moment before he shifted to one side to curl up against James with his face buried in his throat. James wrapped him in a hug and stared at the distant ceiling, asking himself if he really wanted to have this conversation. Glancing at Sirius, he saw such wretchedness in him that he knew this wound would fester; he had to lance it, drain it, let it heal, and he'd have to put aside what he felt to hold Sirius's hand through this.

So, yeah. He had to know.

'Had to leave, huh?' James let his gaze run down the length of Sirius's naked body, admiring, reminding himself that it was his. Then he looked back to the ceiling, training his eyes on a stain. His hands smoothed over Sirius's soft skin, soothing and possessive.

This was going to hurt.

Sirius took long enough to answer that James began to wonder if he would, then his lips opened against his throat. Long, slow gusts of breath unfurled along James's skin, warm and humid, and then his body shook with a pained sigh. James braced for it, and then the words burst out like stones hurled at plate glass.

'He got in over his head, but then... then I was there, and I'd no one else, and he was a bleeding Death Eater, and he didn't either, not anymore, and... I talked to him. I... showed him what else he could have, what other life  _we_  could have, and he wanted out.'

Sirius lifted his head to catch James's gaze, holding it, challenging him to say anything. James didn't. There were things in Sirius's manner – the tilt of his chin, the tension in his jaw, the set of his shoulders – that filled in the details. James didn't need to ask.

'You knew that part. You knew I wanted to... to save him. But James...' Sirius's eyes filled with tears, his long lashes sweeping down to hold them back and his eyelids tightening so none spilled. 'I couldn't even save myself. I'd no business offering him salvation.'

James sighed and pulled Sirius closer, rolling onto his side to press their bodies together and wrap his leg over Sirius's hip. Sirius surged into him, clinging and crushing their sticky bellies together, and a shiver trembled through him, making James shiver too. His heart ached, and he wished he could do something, anything, but there was nothing to do or say that could undo  _SPLAT!_  Eighteen. Black-comma-Regulus. A handsome kid turned into an unimportant case file.

'Did I do the wrong thing?' Sirius asked, cutting into James's thoughts. 'I shouldn't've—'

Sirius's heavy swallowing made James's stomach churn, and then Sirius pulled away from him, clambering over to one side of the room to be sick. His body was beautiful even like that, even curled in and heaving, shaking and sweating with his hair plastered to him and his ribs too visible. He looked like someone's prized pet escaped and turned wild, and maybe that was exactly what he was.

'I hid him as long as I could,' Sirius was saying as he retched. 'I kept him close, out of sight... I'm good at disappearing after all, and he  _is_  my brother. Was. He learned quick. Always had. With everything.'

The broken sentences became a stifled keening that spoke of things James couldn't even imagine. Putting on his glasses and rising to his feet, James padded across the manky room to gather Sirius's hair back from his face and help him up. He led him over to the fire, the acrid scent of sick burning his nostrils and grounding what might have been a dream in cold, ugly reality.

'He'd done summat, and he couldn't tell me what, but it was... and he had something he needed to hide, and we... I was using my magic to mask his, and...'

There were clothes in Sirius's wardrobe, and James helped Sirius sit in the rickety armchair before he went to gather whatever he found and pile it on the mattress.

'There were always too many secrets, too much he wouldn't tell me, too much he was ashamed of...'

The few bits of clothing that weren't fit for a rent boy went into the pile, and James tossed a pair of worn denims and a Ziggy Stardust t-shirt at Sirius's head. A few peremptory spells cleaned them up, and he tugged on his own clothes with a growing sense of resolve. In the kitchenette, he found a bottle of Irn-Bru that looked like maybe it would survive an apocalypse and opened it, having a few swigs before walking back to Sirius and shoving it in his hand just as he finished pulling his shirt over his head. Sirius gulped down the rest of it and shook his head, his tangled hair falling around his face and his shoulders slouching.

'We couldn't hide forever, could we? Even with the two of us... to squeeze into a tiny place and keep quiet for hours, wondering what they were going to do to us... it was... And we had to get out.  _He_  had to get out, and... So he arranged for us to go away.'

Sirius looked up into James's eyes and bit his lip, looking so helpless and adrift that James dropped into a crouch and dragged him forward to the edge of his seat to hold him tight. The pressure of Sirius's head flopping on his shoulder and burrowing against him made his stomach flip-flop in a way that seemed far too happy for this conversation. James bit his tongue not to ask, not to say it, but Sirius said it for him.

'I couldn't go, Jamie.' Sirius paused and lifted his head, the anguish burning in his eyes making James flinch at the same time as the knot at the middle of him began to unwind. 'I couldn't leave you, or let go of what little we had left. I  _tried_ , I did, to do the right thing, but I'm not as strong as you. I never have been.'

'No,' James said, the first word he'd spoken in what felt like eternity, and he didn't even know what he was saying it to.

'Yeah,' Sirius said, a little smile tipping up one corner of his full lips. His thumb reached out to slide across James's mouth, its tip tugging the centre of his lip down almost playfully. 'He was my brother... but he was never you. I--'

James shut him up with a kiss, unable and unwilling to hear anything more. He knew how the rest of it went far better than anyone else could. Unlike Sirius, though, he had a second chance. He could be stronger, and smarter, and he could set them right.

Sirius's arms clutched at him hard enough to bruise his ribs, and James's fingers slid over Sirius's side. He wondered if he'd hiss if James touched him just  _there_ , if his touch would evoke another moan, more desperate, needier, full of all the things they weren't supposed to feel and did anyway.

'I'm sorry,' James whispered against his hair, so inadequate for everything that had happened, but the best he knew how to do.

Catching Sirius's face in both hands, he pulled his head up, pressing their mouths together again.  _Til_ _death do us part,_  he thought, and chuckled against Sirius's mouth.

Sirius pulled back, confused, and James smiled at him, reaching down to his side to find Sirius's hand and twine their fingers together.

'Come on,' he murmured, summoning the little bundle of clothes that was everything Sirius had left. 'Let's get you home.' 


End file.
